it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just invented taco cereal.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
there is glitter all over my balls
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