I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
