the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
