I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
