Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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