I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize