just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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