i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize