Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
