I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
