I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
