I can't breathe out the right side of my face
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
