She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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