The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
