I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
this just has baby written all over it
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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