i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Of course I have a pirate flag
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
