i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I need moral support for this bender
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
