my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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