My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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