Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
