my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm too high and old for this...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
