Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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