I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
