My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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