I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
