i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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