what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
