She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
