LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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