i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
