I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
