he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
