I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
