the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
