Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize