Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
