That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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