What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
