I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
