We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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