I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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