is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
