Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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