the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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