i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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