whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
