she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
