He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
