It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
