I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
