i don't plan on having that self control this summer
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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