I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
now i know why i became what i already was.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
