My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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