Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
