He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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