Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
