I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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