I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize