reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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