I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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